Reflections

As I sit here watching cartoons with my little man I started thinking. I don't think I ever imagined my life to be where it is today. I have some amazing things in my life and I also have some not so amazing things going on in my life. A year ago today I was working a good job, living in my own apartment, and living a different life. I never imagined a year ago that I would be living back at home and pretty much jobless right now. I mean I have a job for the most part driving the ice cream truck but its closed right now due to it being to cold to drive. A year ago I imagined that today I would have a good full time job, the means to provide for me and my son, and being in a relationship with someone that means a lot to me. But as I sit here in my room I look back and think that I had it good but I still have it good. I have a family that loves me, a son that means the world to me, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. Some days it is hard because I would love to be able to do more for my son and be able to go out on an occasional date with someone that means something to me. Some times I might not sound very grateful but I am very grateful for all the love and support I get from all my friends and family. I hope they all know how much I appreciate them. Someday I will have that great life that I've always dreamed about. Maybe not today and maybe not for a while but I know my day is coming. So today I count my blessings for I know that tomorrow I may not be able to do so. Everyday is a gift from God so let us all be grateful for what we have and for who we have in our lives.

Faith in Him

God is good! I never knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally even though I not perfect. I grew up in the church I knew who God and Jesus was and I knew all the stories. But when I was a 17 or 18 I slowly fell away from God and almost became like an unbeliever. I mean I still believed in God but I didnt follow all the rules. I ran from him and I ran long and hard. When my ex-husband left me and my whole world fell apart I blamed God instead of seeing what God was truly doing. I fell apart and I didnt want to be me anymore. I partied and did some things im not proud of and by the grace of God nothing bad happened to me. I didnt know what I was gonna do with my life but I knew I had to make a change because I didnt like where my life was going. It was then that I realized that I needed to find my way back to the truth. It was then the the Lord renewed my faith and my hope in him and I never want to feel the way I did without him again. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I may never fully understand the reasons behind him letting the things that have happened to me happen to me. I know that if I hadnt had the divorce I wouldnt be the christian I am today. I've learned a lot about myself because of this divorce. Some days I feel like this was the best thing that could have happened to me because it put me back on the right track. And even though its been 2.5 years since the divorce sometimes I feel like it was a bad thing at the same time. I will say this though I don't know why God let this happen but he did and I am grateful for it everyday cause its made me stronger. I wish it hadnt happened but everything happens for the good of those who follow God. I hope that my ex feels the same that he is happy for the time we had and for the amazing son we have. I wish him the best and I pray that he finds his true happiness that I hope to find as well for myself.

The Pictures are only Memories

They say a pictures worth a thousand words but the pictures in my head are like a silent film. Full of pictures of what used to be and what could have been, but no sound or words of rememberance. Some days I wish I could forget and maybe I could move on with my life. But with having a son together I am stuck putting up with the good and bad things between us. I just wish you would grow up and take responsibility. I dont think that will happen but a girl can dream cant she. I dont understand how anyone could walk away from our son. I couldnt imagine my life without him, he is my life, my best friend, and I wouldnt go a day without him. I used to wish we could work things out, that one day we could be a family again. But I was a silly girl. Now that doesnt even cross my mind because you are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man I once laughed with and loved. Now you are but a memory, a picture without any words. I dont think you will ever read this and I honestly dont care if you do or if you dont.This blog is for me to get my thoughts out and for anyone who is going through the same things to know they arent alone. I only pray that you live a life your happy with and that you love with all your heart. I hope that one day you will see how much your son loves you and how much you've missed out on.

Relationships

You know whats hard? Seeing these couples out there happy as can be or seeing people finding someone to date even. I feel like I am such a loser or a loner. I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to dating or trying to find someone in this town. I see these people getting into relationships and some of them are cute and take it slow and others just jump into things so fast because its a new thing you just don't want to see anything happen due to being hurt in the past. Then there is me sitting here thinking it would be nice to find someone I could cuddle with, someone to go out on dates with, or someone who can make me smile. But then I start thinking to myself relationships are just a waste of time and they are overrated. Im so torn between the two worlds of thoughts in my head. I want it but then I dont and then I want it and then I dont. I find it hard in this town to find someone who isnt immature, a drinker, or he is good with you until he finds out you have a child. Its been two and a half years since ive been with anyone or even on a date with anyone. I know pathetic right? Sometimes I feel pathetic and other times I am glad because I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my son. Now I dont want you to think that im some weird and ugly girl that the guys avoid because I'm not. I've had potential guys and I think alright maybe we could date or something but then I come up with excuses. Oh well he is this or he does that and I dont like it. There really hasnt been a guy out there that has shown me anything special for me to try going out with. I just want to believe in love again or maybe I still believe in love but love has given up on me?

Two Houses

Music can be a healer and it can also be a killer. Two Houses is a song by Matthew West that I was listening to today that brought a lot of thoughts into my head. I've been a little down the last couple days but it wasn't anything serious, I just get down here and there sometimes. Back to the song I was listening to today the beginning lyrics go "Well, Mom found her a new place to live a nd dad found him a new girlfriend l ooks like everybody's moving on. And it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid, n ow you've got two Christmases and it's every other weekend from now on." Yeah, but all I want is the way it was when love would always last forever and families stayed together, back to the day before two houses. When they held my hands when I was little before I got caught in the middle somewhere in between two houses." I remember when I was little and I went through this except instead of every other weekend it was every other week. I felt so torn because my mother never really wanted me but I was forced to go to her. All those thoughts made me think of my son. My son is in a similar situation, I have him 24/7 and my ex doesnt take him. It pains me to see all these other dads spending time with their children and my son doesnt get any father/son time. Ya my ex pays some child support every two weeks but I dont care about the money. I dont want him to grow up like I did, where one parent wants you and the other doesn't. Its hard thinking that. Believe me I dont want to think like that, but those thoughts do come into my mind. I wanna believe there is still some part of him in there that I fell in love with. Some part of his old self that loved and wouldnt be acting the way he does. My son deserves a father or at least a someone who can step in and be that father figure to him. Well enough ranting and raving i've got to get to work.

Who I Really Am

So I started this blog as a way to get my feelings and life stories out there. I also wanted to be unknown or invisible. I didn't want anyone to know this was my life story, that I lived a life that wasnt so perfect or normal. But today I really want to get my story out there not just as an invisible girl but as me. The clumsy, motherly, not afraid to be single, loving girl that I believe me to be. Everything in my previous posts are true to my recount. I'm no longer afraid of people knowing my history because that is not who I am anymore. In fact I am far from most of that. But writing has always been my way to get my feelings out. I used to get asked if I was depressed because some of my stuff was very depressing. Well this isnt going to be a long post but I just thought I'd let you know who was really writing this and that I'd finally share my story with everyone I love and trust instead of just strangers passing by.

She's so Gone

Im not the girl I used to be, actually im the farthest thing from it. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of screw ups to get to where I am today. A year ago I probably would have sent you the pic of my boobs that you asked for today. A year ago I thought that in doing what you wanted and giving in would win you back. I never thought I was doing anything wrong. But I know now that I'm stronger than that. I no longer need to say how high when you say jump. I no longer have to to hold my breath and watch what I say around you. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna be who I want to be and I'm gonna be true to myself. I dont need your approval or you hitting on me to make me feel good or beautiful. I know that I am beautiful and I know that I am a good person. I cant believe that I let myself act that way for so long. I cant believe that I was letting myself be played like a puppet. Well guess what that girl is gone and she isnt coming back!

3 words

All I want is to hear those 3 words that everybody deserves to hear. But my problem with this is that I want to hear those words from a certain person. Today is a tough day for me. I have been in a depressive state all day which kinda sucks! What would you do if the person you loved is supposedly in love with someone else? I married my ex in 2007 and officially divorced in 2010, let me just say it was not the easiest thing for me to deal with. When I married my husband I didnt plan on divorcing him 3 years later. All I want is my life back the way it was before all the problems. I was the happiest person when we were married and I had the best life. We werent rich and we didnt have a lot but we did have love and family. As the years progressed things did get bad but I wouldnt have traded it. Its like that song The Dance by Garth Brooks part of the lyrics go "And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance; I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." I would relive it a hundred times if it meant I had a few extra minutes to spend with him. I wish I could tell him how I truly felt but hes remarried and even though he isnt happy with her I know what its like to have my love taken from me and I wouldnt wish that on anyone.

Fathers Day Woes

Well today was fathers day and I spent the day with my dad hanging out and playing cards. But deep down in my heart I was kinda depressed today. Well dont get me wrong I love my son and I am very thankful that I get to spend a lot of time with him. But today was supposed to be the day he got some one on one time with his dad. But of course not, and I guess it didnt really suprise me either, which is pretty sad. A week ago his dad came by and brought me my sons child support and saw his son for two minutes. Not once did he say anything about fathers day or ask about taking him. I guess im not much better cause I didnt say anything to him about taking him for fathers day but I wanted him to step up for once. I wanted him to want to take his son and not be forced or reminded to take him. I want my son to have a relationship with his dad. I wish his dad could see him the way I see him. To have that special bond that a son should have with his father. I dont know what I would do if I couldnt see my son or talk to my son everyday. I would go crazy cause my little man is the most amazing child. Very loving and caring, he has a fun personality and I absolutely love watching him grow and change into the boy he is today. I know my son doesnt really know whats going on but as he gets older it scares me. I know whats its like growing up with only one parent around and the other close but not really there. I dont want my son to grow up thinking his dad doesnt want him that his dads new wife is more important. I just hope he knows that I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my life and my best friend. I hope when he gets older and maybe one day reads this that he knows that it was not his fault that his father walked out. I just hope that his father realizes what hes missing out on before its to late and he loses his chance to build up their relationship.

Lonely days

You know somedays I am really happy with my life and other days it gets kind of depressing. Like today I am kind of down, but not for any particular reason. I mean nothing bad has happened today if anything something good has happened. But as I sit here at my parents house I have this feeling of loneliness. Some days I really wish I had a companion, a special someone. Im not alone in this life, I have my son and my family/friends around me all the time but I still have an empty void. Its like there is a missing piece of this puzzle of life. I never imagined when I was younger I would be a single mother, divorced, and going nowhere in life. When I was younger I always saw myself married and happy. Having a family and a house of my own. Instead Im living with my parents, trying to raise my son on my own with out a job. This is definately not how I saw my life going. I had a lot of plans for my future and a lot of big dreams that never came to pass. I always thought Id be the first person to graduate college from my family. I always dreamed to be a professional photographer and travel the world. I planned to be married once and that the marriage would last a lifetime and I would have a few kids and all the happiness a girl could ask for. But instead I am a beauty school drop out, divorced, single mother, living with her parents not really the future I had hoped for. But its not all bad I dont want you guys thinking I live a terrible life. I have an amazing son, family/friends that love me, a roof over my head, and unemployment for now. But sometimes its harder than others just emotionally and in my head. Sometimes it gets lonely even when surrounded by people. But I will keep moving foward not just for me but for my son.

Starting Over

I just want to say that I dont think my ex is the only one at fault for our divorce. I think if we actually tried we could have done something to fix our marriage. After I had moved out I had to move in with my parents and I took my son with me. I had no income coming in and I didnt know where I was going with my life from there. I felt so betrayed and lost that I lost my way. For days I cried myself to sleep just wishing that this was all just a nightmare. I didnt know what I was gonna do with my life and I wasnt sure I could raise my son on my own. All I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in alcohol and not go back to reality. For a long time after the split I would go out and drink with friends and leave my son with my parents. I guess I wanted to be like my ex who could go out and party and hang out and do what he wanted to whenever he wanted to because he had no one to be responsible for. I didnt want to be the grown up anymore, I didnt want to be the one that had to sit at home anymore. I decided to take my life into my own hands and kind of walked away from being an adult. After a while I finally found a job working at a motel and working the desk. I realized then that I what I really wanted was to be loved again and the only way to do that was to take my life and turn it around. I changed my way of thinking and my son finally became my number 1 priority again. For the longest time I didnt feel like I was worthy of being the parent to such an amazing little boy. Its been a long hard road to get to where I am today. Ive had a lot of ups and downs, and twists and turns, and everything in between. Life hasnt been the easiest but it also hasnt been the hardest either. I will say this though, if it wasnt for my little man I wouldnt be the mother I am today. He has helped me get through a lot, hes my best friend. Please feel free to comment or ask questions. But now its time for cartoons so I will say goodnight and sweet dreams, until we meet again.

The Days I Loved And Lost

December 16 2006 was the start of something new. That was the day I met my husband who is now my ex husband. I was 18 at the time and country dancing was my favorite thing to do on a saturday night. The Dance Factory was a place to go and dance the stress of my life away. I met my husband through a mutual friend that I went to school with for 2 or 3 years. I thought my husband was cute and a good dancer and I was extatic when he asked me to slow dance for the first time. By the end of the night we exchanged numbers and went on our first date to see a movie on Dec. 19th and at 1 am still outside of the movie theater we shared our first kiss. Well we dated for 2 months when he proposed to me on February 18th 2007 on top of the airport hill overlooking the city(which was one of my favorite places, especially at night). In August of 2007 I found out I was pregnant and on September 18th 2007 we were married. Well life was great until I started having a hard time with the pregnancy. On March 12th 2008 my son was born at 2:30 in the afternoon and it was an amazing day. Well life was good until my husband decided he wanted to join the Marine Corps. He left on September 22nd 2008 and I had to pack up our house alone to move in with my parents because I couldnt afford the payment. He was gone for three months and it was the worst time of my life! I missed him terribley and felt so alone. On top of that I was raped at a halloween party, I felt so dirty. December 2008 my husband graduated boot camp and I was so glad to have him home and spent as much time as I could with him. When he had to go back for training I went down to california every weekend to see him for a whole month. My husband ended up being discharged from the Marines through the red cross because his mother had Breast Cancer and wasnt going to live much longer. When he got home we did great until he started drinking a lot and doing spice, and when I wouldnt continue to do it with him because I had responsibilities he started flirting with other women. We tried to work things out but he was to far gone and all we did was fight so I left, I walked out and took our son. We were gonna try to work things out but I dont think he really wanted to be attatched to anyone. So we went through with the divorce. Well enough said for now I will tell the messy story of the divorce another day.

Where I came from

I am just like a lot of you reading this. I want you to know my back story so you can better understand the decisions I am making now and in the future. I have 2 brothers, one who is 28 and then a 13 year old, and both of them are half brothers if you wanna get technical. I was a happy child for the most part until I was about 4 or 5 when my parents divorced. My parents had joint custody of me and I had to spend every other week with each parent. I always felt growing up that my mother never wanted me, that she always chose my brother and her stupid abusive boyfriends. But I am grateful that I had my father and my mom's mother to raise me, they were always there for me. Growing up I had to watch my mother go from one retard to another and I had to watch her get the crap beat out of her. Thats not stuff a child needs to go through. As I got older things got worse with my mother. I couldnt keep her attention, I was always the bastard child to her. I always wanted that relationship with her but not anymore I dont even care. Even in high school my mother was never there. She missed out on my junior prom, senior prom, and my high school graduation. But for the other parts of my life it really wasnt to bad. I have my dad who is one of my best friends and my grandmother who I am also close with on my side. Today I just want everyone to know that there is a lot that I can relate to, I am a good listener so any questions or comments i'd be happy to answer. Tomorrow I will talk about my marriage/divorce so you can better understand what has shaped my life today.

Who I am Today

My name is not important, or at least not today. I am here to share my story, my journey to finding me. I am 23 years old and a single mother to a beautiful 4 year old boy. Who I am today is just a girl looking to find my place in this world. I know that sounds corny and cliche but thats the truth. I am not looking for a big following in doing this. I am just hoping that in my day to day struggles, enjoyments, and everything in between it will help someone else. My life right now is a little hectic. I just recently moved back in with my parents because I lost my job in april. I do live in Utah but I am not a mormon. Dont get me wrong I have nothing against them but living in Utah a lot of people assume thats what you are. I am a Christian and I love God with all my heart. Saying this though I am not saying I am perfect, in fact I am far from it. So to tell you a little bit about myself. I am a complicated, easy-going, loving, crazy, and sometimes blonde person. I am no different than most of you out there I am just trying to give my son the best life that I can. I love spending as much time as I can with my son, we do a lot together. But when I am not trying to be a good mother I love camping, hiking, playing at the lake, country dancing, and dancing in the rain. I would rather wear jeans and a tshirt, but I do enjoy dressing up every now and then. With this blog I am hoping that I can be honest with you and show you who I really am. I will try to post once a day about the things going on in my life. I will not be using real names in order to keep things confidential for others or posting pictures. I hope that you will learn things about yourself while I also learn things about myself. I guess thats all I can hope for. Well for now I am going to go and I look forward to talking to you again. :)

Vaya Con Dios (Go With God)