Resolutions

Its January 1st 2013 and today is the day everybody talks about their new years resolutions so I thought I would let you guys know what I plan on doing this year. Well to start I don't think I made any resolutions last year, or at least I can't remember if I did. So this year I want it to be different than the last. I plan on making 2013 a year that I can be proud of. The last few years I have grown a lot but I have also taken a few steps back. The last few years have been a roller coaster ride with a million twists and turns not only in events but in emotions and fears. With that being said I will say this, I have overcome most of the things that have haunted me and the ones I haven't conquered yet I am working on. This year I plan to be the best me I can possibly be. I am choosing not to let my past direct my future and to hold tight to the promises of God who has way better ideas for where I am headed than I do for myself. Second I am gonna try to be a better mom to my son because lately I have been a little grumpy and not fully there for him in my emotions and my prayers. Third I want to be a good friend especially since this last year I haven't been a very good friend to some of you and I am so very sorry for that. And my final resolution for this upcoming year is to be a better Christian. To try to put my faith in Him at all times even though I sometimes doubt the things I shouldn't. I am gonna try to give others hope and to help them as my Lord helps me. I know these things will take time and they might not fully happen in  this year to come but I am gonna try my best and that is all I can do.

Reflections

As I sit here watching cartoons with my little man I started thinking. I don't think I ever imagined my life to be where it is today. I have some amazing things in my life and I also have some not so amazing things going on in my life. A year ago today I was working a good job, living in my own apartment, and living a different life. I never imagined a year ago that I would be living back at home and pretty much jobless right now. I mean I have a job for the most part driving the ice cream truck but its closed right now due to it being to cold to drive. A year ago I imagined that today I would have a good full time job, the means to provide for me and my son, and being in a relationship with someone that means a lot to me. But as I sit here in my room I look back and think that I had it good but I still have it good. I have a family that loves me, a son that means the world to me, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. Some days it is hard because I would love to be able to do more for my son and be able to go out on an occasional date with someone that means something to me. Some times I might not sound very grateful but I am very grateful for all the love and support I get from all my friends and family. I hope they all know how much I appreciate them. Someday I will have that great life that I've always dreamed about. Maybe not today and maybe not for a while but I know my day is coming. So today I count my blessings for I know that tomorrow I may not be able to do so. Everyday is a gift from God so let us all be grateful for what we have and for who we have in our lives.

Faith in Him

God is good! I never knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally even though I not perfect. I grew up in the church I knew who God and Jesus was and I knew all the stories. But when I was a 17 or 18 I slowly fell away from God and almost became like an unbeliever. I mean I still believed in God but I didnt follow all the rules. I ran from him and I ran long and hard. When my ex-husband left me and my whole world fell apart I blamed God instead of seeing what God was truly doing. I fell apart and I didnt want to be me anymore. I partied and did some things im not proud of and by the grace of God nothing bad happened to me. I didnt know what I was gonna do with my life but I knew I had to make a change because I didnt like where my life was going. It was then that I realized that I needed to find my way back to the truth. It was then the the Lord renewed my faith and my hope in him and I never want to feel the way I did without him again. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I may never fully understand the reasons behind him letting the things that have happened to me happen to me. I know that if I hadnt had the divorce I wouldnt be the christian I am today. I've learned a lot about myself because of this divorce. Some days I feel like this was the best thing that could have happened to me because it put me back on the right track. And even though its been 2.5 years since the divorce sometimes I feel like it was a bad thing at the same time. I will say this though I don't know why God let this happen but he did and I am grateful for it everyday cause its made me stronger. I wish it hadnt happened but everything happens for the good of those who follow God. I hope that my ex feels the same that he is happy for the time we had and for the amazing son we have. I wish him the best and I pray that he finds his true happiness that I hope to find as well for myself.

The Pictures are only Memories

They say a pictures worth a thousand words but the pictures in my head are like a silent film. Full of pictures of what used to be and what could have been, but no sound or words of rememberance. Some days I wish I could forget and maybe I could move on with my life. But with having a son together I am stuck putting up with the good and bad things between us. I just wish you would grow up and take responsibility. I dont think that will happen but a girl can dream cant she. I dont understand how anyone could walk away from our son. I couldnt imagine my life without him, he is my life, my best friend, and I wouldnt go a day without him. I used to wish we could work things out, that one day we could be a family again. But I was a silly girl. Now that doesnt even cross my mind because you are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man I once laughed with and loved. Now you are but a memory, a picture without any words. I dont think you will ever read this and I honestly dont care if you do or if you dont.This blog is for me to get my thoughts out and for anyone who is going through the same things to know they arent alone. I only pray that you live a life your happy with and that you love with all your heart. I hope that one day you will see how much your son loves you and how much you've missed out on.

Relationships

You know whats hard? Seeing these couples out there happy as can be or seeing people finding someone to date even. I feel like I am such a loser or a loner. I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to dating or trying to find someone in this town. I see these people getting into relationships and some of them are cute and take it slow and others just jump into things so fast because its a new thing you just don't want to see anything happen due to being hurt in the past. Then there is me sitting here thinking it would be nice to find someone I could cuddle with, someone to go out on dates with, or someone who can make me smile. But then I start thinking to myself relationships are just a waste of time and they are overrated. Im so torn between the two worlds of thoughts in my head. I want it but then I dont and then I want it and then I dont. I find it hard in this town to find someone who isnt immature, a drinker, or he is good with you until he finds out you have a child. Its been two and a half years since ive been with anyone or even on a date with anyone. I know pathetic right? Sometimes I feel pathetic and other times I am glad because I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my son. Now I dont want you to think that im some weird and ugly girl that the guys avoid because I'm not. I've had potential guys and I think alright maybe we could date or something but then I come up with excuses. Oh well he is this or he does that and I dont like it. There really hasnt been a guy out there that has shown me anything special for me to try going out with. I just want to believe in love again or maybe I still believe in love but love has given up on me?

Two Houses

Music can be a healer and it can also be a killer. Two Houses is a song by Matthew West that I was listening to today that brought a lot of thoughts into my head. I've been a little down the last couple days but it wasn't anything serious, I just get down here and there sometimes. Back to the song I was listening to today the beginning lyrics go "Well, Mom found her a new place to live a nd dad found him a new girlfriend l ooks like everybody's moving on. And it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid, n ow you've got two Christmases and it's every other weekend from now on." Yeah, but all I want is the way it was when love would always last forever and families stayed together, back to the day before two houses. When they held my hands when I was little before I got caught in the middle somewhere in between two houses." I remember when I was little and I went through this except instead of every other weekend it was every other week. I felt so torn because my mother never really wanted me but I was forced to go to her. All those thoughts made me think of my son. My son is in a similar situation, I have him 24/7 and my ex doesnt take him. It pains me to see all these other dads spending time with their children and my son doesnt get any father/son time. Ya my ex pays some child support every two weeks but I dont care about the money. I dont want him to grow up like I did, where one parent wants you and the other doesn't. Its hard thinking that. Believe me I dont want to think like that, but those thoughts do come into my mind. I wanna believe there is still some part of him in there that I fell in love with. Some part of his old self that loved and wouldnt be acting the way he does. My son deserves a father or at least a someone who can step in and be that father figure to him. Well enough ranting and raving i've got to get to work.

Who I Really Am

So I started this blog as a way to get my feelings and life stories out there. I also wanted to be unknown or invisible. I didn't want anyone to know this was my life story, that I lived a life that wasnt so perfect or normal. But today I really want to get my story out there not just as an invisible girl but as me. The clumsy, motherly, not afraid to be single, loving girl that I believe me to be. Everything in my previous posts are true to my recount. I'm no longer afraid of people knowing my history because that is not who I am anymore. In fact I am far from most of that. But writing has always been my way to get my feelings out. I used to get asked if I was depressed because some of my stuff was very depressing. Well this isnt going to be a long post but I just thought I'd let you know who was really writing this and that I'd finally share my story with everyone I love and trust instead of just strangers passing by.