The Pictures are only Memories

They say a pictures worth a thousand words but the pictures in my head are like a silent film. Full of pictures of what used to be and what could have been, but no sound or words of rememberance. Some days I wish I could forget and maybe I could move on with my life. But with having a son together I am stuck putting up with the good and bad things between us. I just wish you would grow up and take responsibility. I dont think that will happen but a girl can dream cant she. I dont understand how anyone could walk away from our son. I couldnt imagine my life without him, he is my life, my best friend, and I wouldnt go a day without him. I used to wish we could work things out, that one day we could be a family again. But I was a silly girl. Now that doesnt even cross my mind because you are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man I once laughed with and loved. Now you are but a memory, a picture without any words. I dont think you will ever read this and I honestly dont care if you do or if you dont.This blog is for me to get my thoughts out and for anyone who is going through the same things to know they arent alone. I only pray that you live a life your happy with and that you love with all your heart. I hope that one day you will see how much your son loves you and how much you've missed out on.

Relationships

You know whats hard? Seeing these couples out there happy as can be or seeing people finding someone to date even. I feel like I am such a loser or a loner. I don't know what to think anymore when it comes to dating or trying to find someone in this town. I see these people getting into relationships and some of them are cute and take it slow and others just jump into things so fast because its a new thing you just don't want to see anything happen due to being hurt in the past. Then there is me sitting here thinking it would be nice to find someone I could cuddle with, someone to go out on dates with, or someone who can make me smile. But then I start thinking to myself relationships are just a waste of time and they are overrated. Im so torn between the two worlds of thoughts in my head. I want it but then I dont and then I want it and then I dont. I find it hard in this town to find someone who isnt immature, a drinker, or he is good with you until he finds out you have a child. Its been two and a half years since ive been with anyone or even on a date with anyone. I know pathetic right? Sometimes I feel pathetic and other times I am glad because I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my son. Now I dont want you to think that im some weird and ugly girl that the guys avoid because I'm not. I've had potential guys and I think alright maybe we could date or something but then I come up with excuses. Oh well he is this or he does that and I dont like it. There really hasnt been a guy out there that has shown me anything special for me to try going out with. I just want to believe in love again or maybe I still believe in love but love has given up on me?

Two Houses

Music can be a healer and it can also be a killer. Two Houses is a song by Matthew West that I was listening to today that brought a lot of thoughts into my head. I've been a little down the last couple days but it wasn't anything serious, I just get down here and there sometimes. Back to the song I was listening to today the beginning lyrics go "Well, Mom found her a new place to live a nd dad found him a new girlfriend l ooks like everybody's moving on. And it's, "Hey, look on the bright side kid, n ow you've got two Christmases and it's every other weekend from now on." Yeah, but all I want is the way it was when love would always last forever and families stayed together, back to the day before two houses. When they held my hands when I was little before I got caught in the middle somewhere in between two houses." I remember when I was little and I went through this except instead of every other weekend it was every other week. I felt so torn because my mother never really wanted me but I was forced to go to her. All those thoughts made me think of my son. My son is in a similar situation, I have him 24/7 and my ex doesnt take him. It pains me to see all these other dads spending time with their children and my son doesnt get any father/son time. Ya my ex pays some child support every two weeks but I dont care about the money. I dont want him to grow up like I did, where one parent wants you and the other doesn't. Its hard thinking that. Believe me I dont want to think like that, but those thoughts do come into my mind. I wanna believe there is still some part of him in there that I fell in love with. Some part of his old self that loved and wouldnt be acting the way he does. My son deserves a father or at least a someone who can step in and be that father figure to him. Well enough ranting and raving i've got to get to work.

Who I Really Am

So I started this blog as a way to get my feelings and life stories out there. I also wanted to be unknown or invisible. I didn't want anyone to know this was my life story, that I lived a life that wasnt so perfect or normal. But today I really want to get my story out there not just as an invisible girl but as me. The clumsy, motherly, not afraid to be single, loving girl that I believe me to be. Everything in my previous posts are true to my recount. I'm no longer afraid of people knowing my history because that is not who I am anymore. In fact I am far from most of that. But writing has always been my way to get my feelings out. I used to get asked if I was depressed because some of my stuff was very depressing. Well this isnt going to be a long post but I just thought I'd let you know who was really writing this and that I'd finally share my story with everyone I love and trust instead of just strangers passing by.

She's so Gone

Im not the girl I used to be, actually im the farthest thing from it. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of screw ups to get to where I am today. A year ago I probably would have sent you the pic of my boobs that you asked for today. A year ago I thought that in doing what you wanted and giving in would win you back. I never thought I was doing anything wrong. But I know now that I'm stronger than that. I no longer need to say how high when you say jump. I no longer have to to hold my breath and watch what I say around you. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna be who I want to be and I'm gonna be true to myself. I dont need your approval or you hitting on me to make me feel good or beautiful. I know that I am beautiful and I know that I am a good person. I cant believe that I let myself act that way for so long. I cant believe that I was letting myself be played like a puppet. Well guess what that girl is gone and she isnt coming back!

3 words

All I want is to hear those 3 words that everybody deserves to hear. But my problem with this is that I want to hear those words from a certain person. Today is a tough day for me. I have been in a depressive state all day which kinda sucks! What would you do if the person you loved is supposedly in love with someone else? I married my ex in 2007 and officially divorced in 2010, let me just say it was not the easiest thing for me to deal with. When I married my husband I didnt plan on divorcing him 3 years later. All I want is my life back the way it was before all the problems. I was the happiest person when we were married and I had the best life. We werent rich and we didnt have a lot but we did have love and family. As the years progressed things did get bad but I wouldnt have traded it. Its like that song The Dance by Garth Brooks part of the lyrics go "And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance; I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." I would relive it a hundred times if it meant I had a few extra minutes to spend with him. I wish I could tell him how I truly felt but hes remarried and even though he isnt happy with her I know what its like to have my love taken from me and I wouldnt wish that on anyone.

Fathers Day Woes

Well today was fathers day and I spent the day with my dad hanging out and playing cards. But deep down in my heart I was kinda depressed today. Well dont get me wrong I love my son and I am very thankful that I get to spend a lot of time with him. But today was supposed to be the day he got some one on one time with his dad. But of course not, and I guess it didnt really suprise me either, which is pretty sad. A week ago his dad came by and brought me my sons child support and saw his son for two minutes. Not once did he say anything about fathers day or ask about taking him. I guess im not much better cause I didnt say anything to him about taking him for fathers day but I wanted him to step up for once. I wanted him to want to take his son and not be forced or reminded to take him. I want my son to have a relationship with his dad. I wish his dad could see him the way I see him. To have that special bond that a son should have with his father. I dont know what I would do if I couldnt see my son or talk to my son everyday. I would go crazy cause my little man is the most amazing child. Very loving and caring, he has a fun personality and I absolutely love watching him grow and change into the boy he is today. I know my son doesnt really know whats going on but as he gets older it scares me. I know whats its like growing up with only one parent around and the other close but not really there. I dont want my son to grow up thinking his dad doesnt want him that his dads new wife is more important. I just hope he knows that I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my life and my best friend. I hope when he gets older and maybe one day reads this that he knows that it was not his fault that his father walked out. I just hope that his father realizes what hes missing out on before its to late and he loses his chance to build up their relationship.