Fathers Day Woes

Well today was fathers day and I spent the day with my dad hanging out and playing cards. But deep down in my heart I was kinda depressed today. Well dont get me wrong I love my son and I am very thankful that I get to spend a lot of time with him. But today was supposed to be the day he got some one on one time with his dad. But of course not, and I guess it didnt really suprise me either, which is pretty sad. A week ago his dad came by and brought me my sons child support and saw his son for two minutes. Not once did he say anything about fathers day or ask about taking him. I guess im not much better cause I didnt say anything to him about taking him for fathers day but I wanted him to step up for once. I wanted him to want to take his son and not be forced or reminded to take him. I want my son to have a relationship with his dad. I wish his dad could see him the way I see him. To have that special bond that a son should have with his father. I dont know what I would do if I couldnt see my son or talk to my son everyday. I would go crazy cause my little man is the most amazing child. Very loving and caring, he has a fun personality and I absolutely love watching him grow and change into the boy he is today. I know my son doesnt really know whats going on but as he gets older it scares me. I know whats its like growing up with only one parent around and the other close but not really there. I dont want my son to grow up thinking his dad doesnt want him that his dads new wife is more important. I just hope he knows that I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my life and my best friend. I hope when he gets older and maybe one day reads this that he knows that it was not his fault that his father walked out. I just hope that his father realizes what hes missing out on before its to late and he loses his chance to build up their relationship.

Lonely days

You know somedays I am really happy with my life and other days it gets kind of depressing. Like today I am kind of down, but not for any particular reason. I mean nothing bad has happened today if anything something good has happened. But as I sit here at my parents house I have this feeling of loneliness. Some days I really wish I had a companion, a special someone. Im not alone in this life, I have my son and my family/friends around me all the time but I still have an empty void. Its like there is a missing piece of this puzzle of life. I never imagined when I was younger I would be a single mother, divorced, and going nowhere in life. When I was younger I always saw myself married and happy. Having a family and a house of my own. Instead Im living with my parents, trying to raise my son on my own with out a job. This is definately not how I saw my life going. I had a lot of plans for my future and a lot of big dreams that never came to pass. I always thought Id be the first person to graduate college from my family. I always dreamed to be a professional photographer and travel the world. I planned to be married once and that the marriage would last a lifetime and I would have a few kids and all the happiness a girl could ask for. But instead I am a beauty school drop out, divorced, single mother, living with her parents not really the future I had hoped for. But its not all bad I dont want you guys thinking I live a terrible life. I have an amazing son, family/friends that love me, a roof over my head, and unemployment for now. But sometimes its harder than others just emotionally and in my head. Sometimes it gets lonely even when surrounded by people. But I will keep moving foward not just for me but for my son.

Starting Over

I just want to say that I dont think my ex is the only one at fault for our divorce. I think if we actually tried we could have done something to fix our marriage. After I had moved out I had to move in with my parents and I took my son with me. I had no income coming in and I didnt know where I was going with my life from there. I felt so betrayed and lost that I lost my way. For days I cried myself to sleep just wishing that this was all just a nightmare. I didnt know what I was gonna do with my life and I wasnt sure I could raise my son on my own. All I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in alcohol and not go back to reality. For a long time after the split I would go out and drink with friends and leave my son with my parents. I guess I wanted to be like my ex who could go out and party and hang out and do what he wanted to whenever he wanted to because he had no one to be responsible for. I didnt want to be the grown up anymore, I didnt want to be the one that had to sit at home anymore. I decided to take my life into my own hands and kind of walked away from being an adult. After a while I finally found a job working at a motel and working the desk. I realized then that I what I really wanted was to be loved again and the only way to do that was to take my life and turn it around. I changed my way of thinking and my son finally became my number 1 priority again. For the longest time I didnt feel like I was worthy of being the parent to such an amazing little boy. Its been a long hard road to get to where I am today. Ive had a lot of ups and downs, and twists and turns, and everything in between. Life hasnt been the easiest but it also hasnt been the hardest either. I will say this though, if it wasnt for my little man I wouldnt be the mother I am today. He has helped me get through a lot, hes my best friend. Please feel free to comment or ask questions. But now its time for cartoons so I will say goodnight and sweet dreams, until we meet again.

The Days I Loved And Lost

December 16 2006 was the start of something new. That was the day I met my husband who is now my ex husband. I was 18 at the time and country dancing was my favorite thing to do on a saturday night. The Dance Factory was a place to go and dance the stress of my life away. I met my husband through a mutual friend that I went to school with for 2 or 3 years. I thought my husband was cute and a good dancer and I was extatic when he asked me to slow dance for the first time. By the end of the night we exchanged numbers and went on our first date to see a movie on Dec. 19th and at 1 am still outside of the movie theater we shared our first kiss. Well we dated for 2 months when he proposed to me on February 18th 2007 on top of the airport hill overlooking the city(which was one of my favorite places, especially at night). In August of 2007 I found out I was pregnant and on September 18th 2007 we were married. Well life was great until I started having a hard time with the pregnancy. On March 12th 2008 my son was born at 2:30 in the afternoon and it was an amazing day. Well life was good until my husband decided he wanted to join the Marine Corps. He left on September 22nd 2008 and I had to pack up our house alone to move in with my parents because I couldnt afford the payment. He was gone for three months and it was the worst time of my life! I missed him terribley and felt so alone. On top of that I was raped at a halloween party, I felt so dirty. December 2008 my husband graduated boot camp and I was so glad to have him home and spent as much time as I could with him. When he had to go back for training I went down to california every weekend to see him for a whole month. My husband ended up being discharged from the Marines through the red cross because his mother had Breast Cancer and wasnt going to live much longer. When he got home we did great until he started drinking a lot and doing spice, and when I wouldnt continue to do it with him because I had responsibilities he started flirting with other women. We tried to work things out but he was to far gone and all we did was fight so I left, I walked out and took our son. We were gonna try to work things out but I dont think he really wanted to be attatched to anyone. So we went through with the divorce. Well enough said for now I will tell the messy story of the divorce another day.